Unbearable Pain - Soaring Crow

That feeling is back, the cold darkness that whispers, "you deserve this pain."

The nostalgia and familiarity rings in my bones.

The gun is loaded and packed, a soft inner voice told me to leave it at the house....

in hopes the trees could soothe my frequency before returning to the garage of fate.

A crow soars, circling above my truck, parked in the rock park. My internal compass led me here. A place I've never been to except in my dreams.

The vividness of dreamworld has left me barren in my wake, the surgical removal of death and decay in my womb has left me motherless.

The cruelty of this world continues to eat and peck at what's left of my heart.

My soul infinitely shatters into a million pieces, only surviving through my belief in a magic and powerful mosaic to bring my wholeness into light. Letting the light shine through the cracks and holes of my being.

Weary and tired of my pure existence, and contemplating the meaning of cruelty. Is cruelty necessary? Why must I carry the weight of deserving this suffering?

My arms break from the heaviness of it, the great void swallows me up.

Life made sense when my nose was broken by a jaded lover - I deserved it. Life made sense when I was kidnapped and bought by an evil man in NYC - I deserved that...better me than anyone else who didn't deserve that fate - I knew what to do, I was bred to be abused.

Life's cruelty made sense when I deserved it, and now what am I left with? Pain with no reason ... suffering without a cause? The nausea of the unknown boils my stomach.

I'm stepping out of the truck and into the air with the soaring crow. My bag of fate is packed in the garage, but 1st I'll give the mysticism of nature one more chance to call me back to this school of life.

I'm ready to run. I'm ready to face the fate of mortality as I pray to be the victim of the next sicko who must kill someone....kill me, save the others. I am ready for a fate without so much pain.

I've waited for the joy. Patient for the equilibrium to swing the pendulum across - I am strong but I'm done proving my strength.

The "give in" is not selfish. It's selfish to ask me to stay in this pain for as long as I've had to endure it.

Let me have peace, and don't judge me for it. I won't be around to reflect your judgements so I release control of what you may think of me.

I've spent my whole life being misunderstood, why should it stop at the end? It wouldn't be poetry if not.