The Depths of My Pleas

Drop in, drop out.

In motion, wavering at the touch of a wind gust.

Asking for my roots to stretch.

Where is the ground?

I fly over the fields of pain, ruffling my feathers for an extended flight.

I soar over her truck, knowing her contemplation of life and death... wondering if I caw her out onto the rock path ahead. All while respecting the gentle fierceness her suffering necessitates.

My roots pulse when I let go of emotional control, when the sobbing deepens my breath and the tears pour out.

Why am I so afraid to feel the pain?

The pain pulsates up and down my roots...the breakage between root structures fray within the darkness of Mother Earth's womb: the dirt, the cool and damp weight surrounding me.

Suffering is not my weight to hold; but it is mine to feel, to acknowledge, to embody (and not shy away from with disassociation).

I am here, little one.....I am here with you.

I am here to listen to your pleas, to the pleas that drowned (y)our will to live...

12 years old - I pleaded with my mom not to make me go back to the house that I was being molested. I pleaded with her through cries and screams. But she didn't listen, she made me go back there every time.

14 years old - I pleaded with him not to rape me....I pleaded for him to wait until I was 15yo, I didn't want to lose my virginity yet. But he didn't listen and I lost the shreds of what was left of my virginity.

16 years old - I pleaded with my parents to take me home, to not abandon me in the walls of the institution. But they didn't listen, they signed away my custody to two strangers in MT.

Dear one, I hear your pleas. I believe you, it was never your fault. I'm sorry your mother lied to you and told you the abuse was your fault.  That she blamed you for what your father did.  She neglected your plea's for forgiveness and instead abandoned you at the hands of abuse.  You are safer now. I am here with you, and I've grown from your survival/strength into a safe adult...one that you used to dream of to rescue you.  You don't need to be rescued, you rescued yourself dear one.  Believe in yourself, because I do...