Unbecoming

Updated: Mar 11

I poured the grace of humanity from my heart into your mouth,

Feeding you the depths of forgiveness as I transposed my hurt into empathy.

With every (growing and) dying breath, the (transformation) grew harder to alchemize.

When my cup was dry and the world was on fire around us,

I asked for your grace and understanding into the shared humanity surrounding us -

But you hoarded it for yourself, refusing to pour empathy into the mouths of the people I love. Including my own dried mouth, grasping for air...

I've outgrown my old skin.

I no longer am the woman who crawls back to the man who abused her.

I no longer forget the affairs of his past to beg for my worthiness.

I release the dire need for external validation.

And I call in the sovereignty of my own self-worth, my own self-love, and my own belonging.

I've outgrown the old relationships that hid me in their shadows,

I can recognize the beauty that grew with the both/and of "us" -

The moment I stand in now would not be possible without your support, and the same goes for your moment in time and my support.

We can recognize the beauty in it,

And yet the fire burns my flesh as I try to hold it tenderly in my hands.

Why do I allow myself to feel so deeply when the pain soars so highly?

Do you not have regard for my pain? For how this tortures me?

It's time to release, let go. To pour cold water over my burns and bandage up the scars from my past.

Do I fit into your agenda?

I see my father's blueprint laid out in our future. Why am I facing the option of familiarity or the great unknown? Because I'm ready.

I'm ready to choose something other than chaos and pain. The pleading sorrows of never being chosen unless I fit into their plans, their agenda.

Let me be selfish, I'll play the bad guy in your play.

I've detached my ego of being the "good one"

Life is too gray for good and bad binaries.

----

We abandoned ourselves in our love - toxicity ran rampant as we both fell into the old patterns and triggers of abandonment.

Each pain alchemized into the crevasses of our DNA's missing holes of burned away cells.

Change on a cellular level, fuels my light in the search of cellular level healing

----

I felt the imprints of his hands around my neck in 2018

Constricting/constraining/tightening (2019)

I felt the breath of the dragon's flame devour his hold in 2022

I experienced the divine feminine's gust of breath wiping clean any remnants of ash by 2025.

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